We Can't Go Through This Alone

 

I started seriously worrying about my husband Rich's health when I came back from a trip to Guatemala in October of 2009. He mentioned casually that he had been sick one night while I was gone, but he didn't elaborate on it and I didn't press him for details. I should have. In the following days I started to notice that he was tired all the time, frequently falling asleep at his desktop computer. The next noticeable symptom of illness was his shortness of breath after climbing the stairs to our second floor bedroom. I started urging him to go to his PCP but, as was typical for him, he resisted. It got worse and worse. He would come downstairs on a weekend morning after a full nights sleep, get a cup of coffee, sit down at the computer and doze off before he'd even finished drinking his coffee.

Rich was an engineer with RT Patterson. He sat at a desk most of the time at work, designing piping systems for steel mills. I wondered how he managed to stay awake at work. Later I would find out from one of his co-workers that he had not been staying awake at work. He said, “We'd pass by his office and say, 'there's Dick sleeping again.'”I started begging him to go to the doctor, but to no avail.

I thought it was his heart. Rich was considerably overweight. He was not a drinker and had given up smoking about five years prior to this. He'd also given up eating red meat. I'm not sure which was harder for him, giving up the cigarettes or the steaks he loved. I had been vegetarian for about 20 years at that point and would share with him the evils of red meat, until he finally gave in. Because he had cut out the most likely causes of cancer, and because his father had died of heart failure at the age of 55, I was pretty sure that this was a cardiac condition.

I told our sons what was going on and asked them to talk to him. We were going to our oldest son Richard's, for Thanksgiving and I thought maybe we could do a kind of family intervention. Wouldn't you know, he stayed awake throughout the gathering and the next day my son called and reported that he thought Dad seemed like his normal self. So it went on, with me pleading with him to go to the doctor and him refusing. In desperation, I threatened to leave him if he didn't make an appointment.

Christmas was a nightmare for me. His lack of energy was so bad that it literally took him three days to string the lights on our Christmas tree, a task that would normally take him about an hour. He would do a little bit, then sit on the couch and fall asleep, wake up a while later, do a little more with the lights, sit down and fall asleep. I was at my wit's end.

Some time between Christmas and New Years he informed me that he had made a doctor's appointment, but he seemed annoyed about it, like he was only doing it to appease me. Rich reported that the doctor suggested an exercise program and he was going to put him on a diet. He ordered a stress test to be taken the next day.

He was getting ready for work on the morning when he was to go back for the results of the stress test and I asked him whether he would like for me to accompany him. “No” he said. “You're not invited.” I was very hurt and when he went to kiss me goodbye before leaving for work, I pushed him away.

In the early evening, I was waiting for him to come home when I received a call from his PCP. He said that as soon as Rich came home I had to get him to the emergency room at Jefferson Hospital. He had suggested that Rich stop at the lab and get a blood count on his way out and his hemoglobin was dangerously low. When Rich came in I told him what the doctor had said and we got in the car and drove back to the hospital.

The healthy range for hemoglobin for men is 13.2 to 16.6 grams per deciliter. Rich's hemoglobin count was 4.5. At the emergency room they told me that they didn't know how he was even able to walk through the door. They started giving him blood transfusions in the ER and admitted him to the hospital.

If an injury caused a person's hemoglobin to drop that low, which would result from a massive loss of blood, the person would be dead. Because Rich's had been dropping over a period of months, his body had been struggling to make adjustments.

I should have known, but I was so sure that it was his heart. Richard's wife, my daughter-in-law, Carina, later said that she had noticed that he was very pale. I had not noticed that. Perhaps when you live with someone and some physical feature changes gradually it's not as obvious.

They gave Rich four units of blood that night. The next day he was given two more units of blood and scheduled for a colonoscopy. The colonoscopy revealed a sizeable tumor. He was scheduled for surgery the following day with the same surgical group who had done my surgery only a year before.

In September of 2008 I had surgery for a torn rotator cuff. The surgery went well, but there is generally a high degree of post-operative pain with that procedure and the surgeon gave me the standard post-surgery order for percocet, which contains the opioid pain reliever, oxycodone. Even though I didn't take it as often as prescribed, the medication had the effect of slowing the movement of my intestinal tract and eventually stopping it altogether. I was hospitalized and the doctors tried various things to get things moving, but nothing worked and, while I was in the hospital, my colon burst. A significant portion of my colon was removed and I went home with the dreaded colostomy bag. Three months later, in Jaunary of 2009, I had the reversal surgery. I learned that 90% of the people who got to the state I was in do not make it. The doc who did my surgery saved my life. I hoped that he could also do Rich's but, he was totally booked up in the OR.

I prayed that Rich's surgery would reveal an isolated tumor that could be easily removed and that would be the end of it. My daughter-in-law, Melinda, sat with me throughout the day as we waited for him to go through pre-op, surgery and the recovery room. It was a very long day. I was anxious but hopeful when they finally told us to go into the little post-surgery conference room, but when I saw the look on the surgeon's face as he came down the hall, I knew the news was not going to be good.

They had removed the tumor in his colon and stitched it back together. But the cancer had metastisized to his liver and lymph nodes. He didn't beat around the bush. “We can treat this, but we can't cure it.” The prognosis he gave was for about fifteen months.

On the ward I ran into the doc who had done both of my colon surgeries. He was reading Rich's chart but hadn't made the connection to me until he saw me. I told him what his partner said about fifteen months, but Dr. Cline was skeptical. He stood up and gave me a big hug “I'm afraid I'd say more like eight months,” he said.

I called son Richard. “After all these years of hard work, Dad's not going to be able to enjoy retirement, I sobbed. He came right to the hospital. Rich was too groggy for us to talk to him that night, so we agreed to meet back there early the next morning so we could talk to Rich before the doctor came in with the dire news. At home, I took down a bottle of vodka that had been in the cabinet for years, made myself a stiff drink, and cried until there were no tears left. That's probably not what would be expected (even in a crisis) of someone who considers herself to be “on the spiritual path,” but with the help of the vodka, I was able to cry myself to sleep and get up the next morning to tell my husband the worst news of our lives.

I have to back up here to explain the “spiritual path” thing. Raised a Roman Catholic, I had left the church and gone on a journey to find what I hoped would be a flawless religious community about fifteen years prior to this. I never stopped believing in Jesus Christ as my savior, but some incidents at my church had disillusioned me. I bounced around from one denomination to another for a while – Quaker, Unitarian Universalist, Episcopalian, In 1999, through a mutual acquaintance, I came in contact with an inter-faith spiritual teacher, Victor “Vyasa” Landa, who had a yoga school, called the School of Life, and an ashram in Bethesda, Maryland. I had recently taken up yoga and was intrigued by the concept of a yoga/spiritual community. So when I was invited to the ashram for an event promoting biodynamic agriculture, I decided to attend one of his classes. It was not like anything I had ever experienced. It was about 2 ½ hours of yoga postures, interspersed with spiritual readings that all the students were invited to comment on. I loved it, and it wasn't long before I was taking monthly weekend trips to the yoga ashram.

I loved what was happening there. Everybody was working on their own spiritual path with Victor's guidance, and also working on creating a community based on mutual respect and cooperation, leading to peace and harmony. Exactly what I had been looking for. I was not willing to go so far as to join the community; I had no desire to leave my home and family in Pittsburgh. But I embraced the spiritual teachings and became heavily involved in the work of the School of Life.

Shortly after the events of 9-11, Victor decided to start a non-profit whose purpose would be to create a coalition of organizations that would work together to replace violence with respect, compassion and love. Victor, his wife Linette and I were the initial founding members of Global Coalition for Peace. Other members of the ashram quickly joined. In the ensuing years GCFP took on a number of projects, from organizing a worldwide weekly meditation for peace, to organizing the first peace parade, to holding peacemeals, and more.

For a number of years I had been writing and teaching about vegetarian nutrition and intensive/organic vegetable gardening. Those activities gave rise to the development of a program I called the Women's Self Reliance Program. GCFP adopted the program and made it possible for me to bring it to impoverished women in Guatemala. That's why I was in that country when Rich first started feeling sick.

I continued the spiritual studies with Victor and I learned what it means to follow a spiritual path, the dedication involved in making one's spiritual development the most important element of your life. But as the years went on and the scope of Victor's school expanded, I found that I was not comfortable with some of the political attitudes and affiliations with other organizations. I also realized that there are no perfect religious communities and eventually came to the conclusion that while that community may be exactly what some of the ashram members needed, the search for my own path was ongoing.

While I was in the hospital undergoing the colon surgery, realizing that I had come very close to death, I asked to see a priest so I could make my confession. I told the priest about the incidents that had sent me away from the Church and how in the meantime I had become a lot more aware of my own imperfections (Victor had certainly helped with that) and that nothing and nobody on this earth is perfect. I started going back to mass after that and felt more comfortable there than I ever had.

Victor encouraged us to continue in whatever spiritual practice we were drawn to. He believed, as the Dahlia Lama states, “The best religion is the one that makes you a better person.” So my return to Catholicism was never a problem. I continued to make monthly trips to the ashram until Rich became sick. My attachment to the ashram has gradually lessened since then, but the main lessons that I learned over the eighteen years that I studied with Victor Vyasa Landa, have had a permanent effect on my way of thinking and living. I'm grateful that I was actively seeking a spiritual foundation for my life when Rich was diagnosed with cancer.

Some of the references I make in the diary are to spiritual works from teachers that Victor introduced me to and others are to teachers I have been fortunate to stumble across. The teacher who gave me the confidence to carry on throughout Rich's illness, and since then, is St. Ignatius of Loyola. His Spiritual Exercises were exactly what I needed and what worked for me. But my recounting of my spiritual journey during Rich's illness is not an attempt to indoctrinate anyone. How the spirit moves one is a very personal thing.

Rich did not accept the doctor's prognosis. We discussed an alternative plan from the chemotherapy one the oncologist touched on while Rich was in the hospital. I was familiar with a cancer treatment program called Gerson Therapy. It consists of a complex dietary regimen to “detoxify” the body and rebuild the immune system, adding vitamin and mineral supplements to help in these processes, and a daily program of coffee or chamomile enemas to help flush the toxins from the body.

In Gerson Therapy the patient consumes 13 8oz. Glasses of a variety of organic juices every day. They also eat three vegetarian, salt-free, specially prepared meals a day and nothing else, except certain fruits. No meat or fish, no baked goods or sweets, no fats or oils, no coffee or other liquids. The juices have to be freshly made every time with a special type of juicer that involves a two-stage process, and the juicer has to be broken down and cleaned after each use.

I had known about Gerson Therapy for some time and even written about it in my book, What I've Learned About Food and Peace. Son Richard, who is a journalist, had interviewed and reported on a person who had cured himself of cancer with Gerson. The only licensed Gerson Clinic at the time was in Tijuana, Mexico where the therapy is taught to a patient and caregiver during a two-week stay, after which the patient is to continue it at home for a minimum of two years.

Rich read up on Gerson Therapy but reserved a decision until after our first visit to the oncologist's office. We learned that the cancer was throughout his liver and that was what made his condition incurable. The doctor laid out the chemotherapy treatment plan to try to temporarily shrink the tumors. Rich didn't say much during the office visit, but on the way home he said, “I guess we're going to vacation in Tijuana this year.”

We downloaded the application to the clinic. It asked a lot of questions about his diagnosis, general physical condition, health history, etc. Rich wanted to fill it out himself so I didn't interfere. We sent it back to the Gerson Institute and waited for a response and a date for admittance. I don't remember what the cost of the two weeks at the clinic was, but it was in the thousands. (Today it's $15,000.) We didn't care. We just wanted to do something that would give us hope.

Rich went back to work while we waited to hear back from the institute. When we did it was a huge letdown. They would not accept Rich as a patient. The person who called was honest. She said that Rich's condition was too far along and by taking high-risk patients they would be jeopardizing the reputation of the clinic to produce cures. She offered the alternative of a Gerson coach who would supervise Rich's treatment from afar. We would pay a fee that would cover the coaching and the supplements, which would be mailed to us.

That was one of the worst days of my life. We had put our hopes in the clinic in Tijuana and to be told that he was too sick for them to take him was devastating. I also questioned whether I could pull the treatment off by myself. But when Rich got home from work, we talked about it and decided that we would do it. Rich would have to work from home and I would have to give up all my other activities. We were willing; at that point it was our best hope.

I knew that the yoga ashram had one of the special juicers and would let me borrow it. We informed the Gerson Institute that we would be doing the home program. Rich talked to his boss, who agreed to Rich working at home for a while. Son Rob generously offered to help by shopping for the 15-20 pounds of fresh produce needed every day to make the juices. We told the oncologist what we were planning to do and, although very skeptical, he wished us well and agreed to keep watch over Rich's bloodwork. So we set the date of February 18th to start.

Please Note: This post is not an endorsement of Gerson Therapy or any other alternative cancer treatment.

My journal during Rich's battle with cancer follows.

1/15/2010

My prayer this morning, on the morning of Rich's surgery
Since I know that whatever You have determined, Heavenly Father, will be the outcome, please help me to accept your will and to do whatever You desire of me to make it as peaceful as possible for all concerned. 

1/17/2010

A thought about family and community.  We have been told in the School of Life, that family is just a circumstance of birth and that we should be ready and willing to leave our family to pursue the spiritual path.  Jesus even said the same.  But when I look at the lives of my own family members, my sisters and brothers and my own life, I think that perhaps that directive was intended for people who are ready to abandon the material life to pursue union with God.  Most people in this world are not ready for that and for those people I believe that dedication to the family is the next best thing.

I look at how my brother-in-law, Jim Keesee, ended his life, with Mary at his side, surrounded by his family.  And through all the years of his illnesses, he had the support of his family.  He died with Love, God's love coming to him through his family.   

My father, too.  Despite all of the pain that the illness of alcholism caused to Mom and to some of his children, he was never abandoned.  Mom stuck by him through it all, and that was her legacy to us. 

Rich is now going through what may be the biggest challenge of his life with this cancer diagnosis.  I am here for him.  His sons are here for him.  And he is handling it very well. 

All of these people, Jim, Dad and Rich might have been desolate without the devotion and support of their wives and families.  I believe we are teaching each other about Love, devotion and commitment.  And, it seems to me that, these virtues must be developed within our earthly relationships before we can transfer them to our relationship with God. 

2/5/2010

Heavenly Father,

I am immensely grateful for this opportunity to express my love and gratitude to You and my love for Rich by taking care of him during his illness.  All of our lives he has taken care of me and our sons.  Now I have the opportunity to show him how much I love and appreciate him. 

It's wonderful to see how the people he works with, our neighbors, and our family members hold him in such high regard and care about his welfare.   It's wonderful too, to see how the love and friendship of so many people in my life, some who hardly know him and some who don't know him at all, is extended to Rich during this crisis.

Heavenly Father, please give me the physical, emotional and spiritual strength, the patience, the compassion and the love that I will need to be the best caregiver that I can possibly be.  Help me to do my work with no expectations and no attachment to the outcome, with only gratitude for the opportunity to serve as your instrument.  And whatever the outcome may be, Lord, let me continue, for the rest of my days here on Earth, to serve You by serving other people in whatever ways I can. 

2/15/2010

 

I'm scared. I admit, I'm scared.  The challenge that lies ahead of me is intimidating, but if I face it hopefully and joyously with gratitude for the opportunity to “pay what I owe,”  I believe I will be okay. 

I am not out to save Rich's life.  My goal is to express my gratitude and appreciation for Rich's life, by giving him the best care that I can.  The outcome, the result of our efforts, is up to God. 

 

Right now I am at peace with all of the people in my life.  I want very much to keep it that way.  But even more important is that I keep peace with my Self.  I must not make promises to people that I can't keep. Even if it is an unspoken one, I must make every effort to keep that promise. 

2/28/2010

We are ten days into the Gerson therapy to rid Rich of cancer.  It is grueling work.  Since I am making the juices downstairs, I am up and down the stairs dozens of times a day. My body aches, my shoulder, my back, my knees, especially my left knee which has been swelling as the day goes on.  I'm taking ibuprofen and it helps some but I'm concerned about what it will do to my organs if I keep on taking it on a daily basis. 

But none of this really matters.  I will try to take care of myself, to the best of my ability but the main goal, my job, the work that God wants me to do at this point in my life, is to take care of Rich and even if I have to give my own life (and there are moments when I feel like that's what is happening) then so be it.  This is total surrender and it feels right. 

3/16/2010

Yesterday I was happy and at peace with myself, despite the uncertain future that is ahead. Why? Because I know that I am doing exactly what I should be doing at this time in my life and even though it's hard work, it's based on honesty and love, so it has to be what God wants me to be doing. Even if the outcome is not what we are hoping and praying for, it's still the best thing I can be doing and I'm doing it well.

3/31/2010

But I must stop taking myself so seriously, stop trying to live up to the image that some people have of me and just be the best person I can be and not stress because I'm not a saint.

4/9/2010

This is my life, Gerson caregiver, gardener, writer. It's a good life. I don't know how long it will be this way, maybe for the rest of my life.* I have to find ways to spend time with my extended family and friends and then it will be fine.

This is the message I would like to pass on to my children and grandchildren, if I could:

There comes a time in a person's life, if he or she is fortunate, when they realize that all the things that seemed so appealing, that they thought would bring them happiness, are empty promises. Alcohol, sex, wealth, drugs, prestige, physical beauty, fame – just give us momentary pleasure which we often end up paying for many times over in physical, mental, emotional and spiritual pain, anguish, remorse or emptiness. There's only one thing that will bring lasting peace and happiness and that is the giving of unconditional love.

This doesn't mean that once a person comes to this realization he or she can never have a drink, buy something that delights them, have sex with the person they love, enjoy looking pretty, etc. Of course not. But they will do so with the full understanding that this is not the key to happiness and they will not risk the integrity of their body, mind or spirit by constantly seeking out those momentary pleasures and giving them far more importance and attention than they deserve.

Unconditional love is the divine spirit within us. It's a term that is batted around a lot lately. “Oh yes, I love my boyfriend, my wife, my child, my friend unconditionally, but...” There are no “buts” in unconditional love and once it is recognized and awakened within us, it is extended to everyone; there simply is no choice; like God's love, it's unconditional.

This doesn't mean that you will find every person equally appealing. It doesn't mean that if someone is abusing you, you will just grin and bear it (unconditional love includes love for yourself). It means compassion and understanding towards everyone and hatred for no one. It means recognition of that spark of divinity, that core of goodness, in every single person on earth and therefore treating everyone respectfully.

Although one never looks for this in the giving of unconditional love, it will bring unimaginable rewards. All the joy, all the peace, all the self -acceptance that one was searching for but failed to find in the escape mechanisms, they will be flooded with when they learn to give unconditional love.

It's there in every one of us, so go find it in yourself. It may be just a spark at first, but if you pay close attention to it, nurture it, make it grow, it will turn into a light that will fill your whole life with all that your soul has been seeking.

I DO NOT always live by this understanding. It is what I've come to believe, not due to any saintliness on my part, but due to experience, to making innumerable mistakes and to having had some exceptional teachers.
*For advanced cancer cases it's recommended that the patient continue with the therapy for three to five years, which at the time seemed like forever.

4/28/2010

This Gerson Therapy is so physically demanding. I get up at 4:30 to say my prayers and do my readings and yoga practice. No matter what else I'm doing during the rest of the day, I have to stop at five minutes before the hour and go down to the basement to make juice. The juicing and clean-up takes about 20 minutes, barring any green juice catastrophes.* Then I usually have food preparation or dishes to clean up upstairs. If I'm lucky, I have 20-30 minutes to do a little gardening or write in this journal.
*There were four types of juice: grapefruit, green juice made from greens, carrot and apple juice, and plain carrot juice. For some reason, in the first stage of making the green juice which involved the juicer pulverizing the greens, green mash would sometimes squirt out of the juicer onto the ceiling. It was enough to make me cry.

The busiest times of the day are 1. between 6:30 and 8:15 in the morning, when I prepare his breakfast, get the water distiller going for the day, strain the coffee concentrate, water my seedlings, make up the bed, take a shower, then run downstairs and wash and set up all the vegetables for the day's juicing, make the first juice and clean up and 2) between 6:00 and 8:15 pm when I make the 6:00 juice and clean up, get his dinner started, run downstairs and make the 7:00 and 8:00 juices, back upstairs to check on dinner and serve the soup, back downstairs to do a final clean-up for the day which means washing all the filter cloths, giving the machine a good cleaning, cleaning up the floor, etc.; back upstairs to serve the rest of his dinner and eat my soup and finally wash the dishes and clean up the kitchen one last time for the day.

There are sooooo many dishes to wash throughout the day, every day. There's the dishes from breakfast, including the little juicer, the coffee concentrate dishes (pot, two measuring cups, mixing spoon, the filter cloth), the lunch dishes which include three or four pots and pans, the twelve juice jars, the dinner dishes – again including three or four pots, and on days when I make soup, the soup-making dishes. Before I can get one bunch of dishes washed and start to empty the drying rack, there are more dishes accumulating. This on top of having to wash down the juicer twelve times a day is really overwhelming at times.

There have been days when I have had to make a choice between taking the time to have a bowel movement or taking a shower. That sounds absurd but it's true. Of course, considering my past history, I chose the former.

5/5/2010

If God is Love and all is God, then everything that happens to me is a loving gift from God. My part is to accept each gift and show my gratitude by making the most of it.

Even the most frightening occurrence is a gift from God. When my body was racked with the worst pain I had ever experienced, I was able to realize that my life is a gift from God. Rich's cancer is a gift from God, too. It offers us this time together, time to grow in love and appreciation for one another. It offers me more time to learn about gardening so that one day, if it is God's will, I will be able to teach the new things I'm learning to others.

How can I “maintain my awareness that it is the law of karma in action, helping me to learn from my actions, both by paying my debts, or collecting for my deeds, receive both graciously, and remember that the purpose is to learn through all of them?” How can I remember this throughout the day, when the work load seems so heavy and my body aches?

5/7/2010

For some time now I've been praying that I will be able to remember my “true self” and the image of a little girl who loved everyone and wanted peace and happiness for everyone comes to mind, but this morning I remembered another little girl, a daredevil, a risk taker, a showoff, who used to swing on a vine over what looked like a bottomless chasm when we visited our friends in the Bronx, and hang by her heels from the top bar of the gym set. I had forgotten about her but she is still very much a part of me.

5/14/2010

Perhaps, to remember and bring my true self forward, I need to just keep silent when the false self is prevalent. This worked pretty well yesterday when I was exhausted and consumed with anger over this present situation and angry with Rich for his seeming insensitivity.

5/24/2010

 

The other night I read an article on the CNN website about a case of child abuse that ended in the death of the child.  It upset me so much; I felt like my heart would break for that child. I ask myself, what could possibly make a person do such things?

 

This morning I am depressed.  I wonder how long will this life of making juice and doing dishes go on?  I am tired and achy all the time.  Rich is tired too.  We have no idea when this is going to end.  We have no idea what the future will be or whether he has much of a future left.  I keep trying to live in the moment and to tell myself that everything is okay here and now.  But it doesn't always work, especially at the end of the day when I'm really tired. 

 

So this morning I ask myself, why can't I just accept things as they are, be grateful that Rich is feeling okay right now, that we have this comfortable house and the resources to proceed with this therapy.  Why can't I just be happy?  The answer is the same as the answer to the other question of how someone could beat an innocent child to death.  The answer is FEAR.  Fear produces rage.

It is not money or even greed that is the root of all evil; it is fear, fear that we will not get what we need – food, shelter, rest, and especially love.  And nothing is going to take those fears away except FAITH.

5/26/2010

This situation has put me in an interesting position, in that I have no clear vision of the future. I don't know how long I'll be in this situation or what the final outcome will be. It's a demanding life, but not obnoxious as long as I can think of it as temporary. But what is temporary? Two months? Two years? It is possible that I will spend the rest of my useful life doing what I'm doing; and even that would not be unimaginable if I could get out and about a bit more. The problem is that all the ways that I imagine spending the rest of my life (which won't be so very long since I am already 61 years old) involve getting out and about a lot more than this lifestyle allows. So maybe what I need to do is to put together a totally satisfying life, doing what I'm doing here and now.

I have always wanted to touch other people's lives in a way that will bring them peace and happiness. Maybe I can do that right from where I am – teaching people about gardening through the internet, introducing children to the understanding of abundance and the joys of gardening through the Sean the Veggie Man stories,* having some involvement in local efforts to create a more peaceful world. If I do this I can also stay close to my children and grandchildren and perhaps bring some peace and happiness to their lives, while I strive to continuously learn more about my Self.

*two children's books that I wrote

6/2/2010

We are in week #14 of Gerson Therapy.  Rich is still feeling good but his last bloodwork showed a marked increase in the cancer markers.  The number is still not exceptionally high but the fact that they are increasing rather than decreasing is very disturbing.  The only outward sign of his not being well is the weariness in his eyes.  He often looks very tired. 

I am learning about the power of resignation, which has been the theme of the Kahn* readings lately.  He points out that it is resignation to the small things in life that we struggle with the most, since we really don't have any choice but to resign to the big ones.  This is so true in my life right now.  We had no choice but to resign to the  fact of Rich having cancer and to do the best we can to restore his health, but I struggle with the small things, like having so many dishes to wash, and the juice jars.  He always leaves them right next to the sink instead of just rinsing them when  he's finished drinking the juice.  Sometimes by evening I want to take the juice jars and throw them at the wall.  But I'm practicing resignation.  I'm working at offering everything I do to God (“All for the greater honor and glory of God.” Right, Mom?). 
*Hazrat Inayat , Sufi master and teacher (1882-1927)

Silence is another practice that I've found to be of great value in this situation, just keeping my mouth shut

6​/7/2010

I'm struggling mightily.  I'm tired all the time.  Sometimes I'm so tired that I can't focus on what I'm doing; I lose track of where I am in the juice-making process.  Sometimes I'll be standing at the juicer or in the kitchen preparing something for Rich to eat and I will feel dizzy, like I'm going to fall over. When I sit down to dinner with Rich he wants to make conversation but I'm too tired to talk. The other night he asked me whether I was upset with him. “No, just tired.”

It's not sleepiness (I never slept so well in my life), it's weariness.  I'm constantly watching the clock.  I can never just relax.  Even during my morning prayers I'm watching the time worrying whether I'm going to have enough time to get everything in and get to making his breakfast on time. 

If we go out somewhere together, like when we went up to the camp, I'm exhausted by the time we leave because of the marathon juice-making and food preparation that has to happen before we leave.  If I go out by myself, I'm watching the clock and as soon as I get back home I have to jump into juice-making.

I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.  It's five weeks until he has another PET scan.  And then what?  I want so much to be able to perform this work joyfully, hopefully and lovingly but HOW?  How can I make this a good time in our lives when I'm constantly exhausted? 

I need God to give me some answers .

Note: Some Sundays son Richard would come for a few hours and do the juicing so I could go out.

6/8/2010

This morning during the chakra meditation, the part where we focus on the sixth chakra and we say, “I open myself to Kutasha shaytanya or the Christ consciousness, I had a vision of myself pulling a heavy load behind me. It was like a big box that was attached to my back. And the thought came to my mind, You will be open to the Christ consciousness when you get rid of that baggage. I think I know what the baggage is. I'm going to work at getting rid of it.

7/15/2010 Today we will find out whether all the effort we have been expending over the past five months to make Rich well has had any effect on the cancer.  Ever since the last PET scan three and a half months ago, I have been both wanting this day to come and dreading its arrival.  I realize this morning that all the emotion that I've felt over this event is based in fear, and to allow this fear to manipulate me is weakness, a weakness that I have the power to overcome.  I recently read the statement that when we get rid of the fear there is only pure love.  Pure love is what I should be nurturing, love for Rich, to be his strength, to bring him joy, regardless of the information we receive today.  My fears are selfish.  I don't want to be without him.  I don't want to have to see him suffer.   He is the one who has this cancer.  He is the one who is facing the possible end of his time on earth and the uncertainy of what lies beyond.  All of my thoughts should be on him and my faith in God should dispel my selfish fears because I know that He does not give us more than we can bear. Right?

7/16/2010

Well, the news was not good.  The cancer has grown in his liver and has apparently spread to one of his adrenal glands.  He will start a low-dose oral form of chemo.

Rich is in denial.  It isn't what he was expecting and he doesn't quite believe the doctor.  He wants to see the PET scan himself and compare it to the first one.  When I asked him last night about how he would want to spend his time if Dr. Laman is correct and he has, at most, two years, he just said, “I don't believe that.” 

He claims that he feels fine but he doesn't.  He tires easily.  He has abdominal discomfort, which he refuses to classify as “pain.”  He continues to function on the job as though he will be there as long as he chooses. 

Yes, this is admirable, certainly more admirable than crying about it, but it makes it impossible for me to talk to him about what might lie ahead for him and for me.  Maybe a time will come when he will be willing to talk about it, maybe there will be a miracle and that time will never have to come.  For now, I will continue to function on the premise that he can be cured of this cancer.

God help us.

7/21/2010

Rich will start chemo today.  I'm anxious, worried about how it will affect him.  Will he suffer from the typical side effects?  Will this treatment raise his hopes for recovery, only to be dashed again?  So far God has granted my primary prayer in all of this, that he not have to suffer greatly, but what now?

It would have been a wonderful thing if the Gerson Therapy had worked, but it didn't.  Now, with him starting chemotherapy, I have such mixed emotions.  If it could cure him, that would be great but if it will make him miserable just to prolong his life for a few months, then I don't think it's worth it.  As much as I am filled with fear at the prospect of being without him, even more I am filled with fear at the prospect of seeing him suffer. 

I don't know how I will be able to handle either one.  But it's not my job to figure it out.  Whether Rich survives this cancer is up to God.  My job is not to try to make plans for the future, but to do the best I can with each day. 

7/22/2010

This morning I realized that the thing I fear is me.  I thought I was afraid of being without Rich, of being “alone.”  I thought I was afraid of having to see him suffer.  I thought I was afraid of making the wrong decisions.  It's all a matter of being afraid of me, of the ego part of me that says, “You can't handle things without the constant support of other people.  You can't make the right decisions.”  I thought I was afraid of Sue, of what will happen if I'm not constantly watching over her.  I thought I was afraid of doing harm to other people, and I am, but I don't have to be, because my ego is not in charge.   

I will not be alone, because That of God is always with me.  There is the ego and there is That of God.  Both are me.  I don't have to be afraid of the ego part, because That of God is stronger.  

Will I be able to give Rich all the love and support he needs during the coming months?  YES!  Will I make the right decisions regarding the rest of my time on this planet, regarding Sue, etc.?*  YES!  I will not rely on other people, not even Rich or Vyasa.  I will rely on That of God within me. 

*My sister, Susan, suffered from mental illness all of her life. She lived with my parents until my father had passed and my mother's health made it impossible for them to live together. At that time, in 1997, Sue came to live in Pittsburgh and I became her guardian. She had a multitude of physical and mental health issues and was transferred between a couple of different personal care facilities during the time of Rich's illness.

9/24/2010

The two times in my life when I have been the most at peace with myself, are when I was recovering from multiple surgeries and when I was taking care of Rich after his cancer diagnosis.  I was thinking about how odd that is this morning and why this would be so.  Then the answer came to me, clearly and strongly.  The reason that those two times of my life were the most peaceful is because they were filled with prayer. 

10/26/2010

For the past two mornings I've been doing a sunrise meditation. The sky has been perfectly clear on both mornings and the sunrises have been spectacular. I can see the sunrise from the big bay window in my living room. It comes up behind the houses that are a little bit uphill from ours, and as it rises it illuminates the huge oak and maple trees that tower above the housetops. The trees have lost most, though not all, of their leaves now and the bright golden light of the sun silhouettes them against the sky. Yesterday there was a breeze and the remaining leaves were shimmying in delight as the sun rose. Today the air is still

As I watch this beautiful phenomenon of nature unfold, I'm filled with awe and appreciation, gratitude for this incredible universe that God has created, and a prayer springs from my heart.

Heavenly Father, You have made such an amazing and wonder-filled world for us. How can we possibly be angry or jealous, or hateful towards one another? Here it is before us, for everyone to marvel at and enjoy. Oh, Heavenly Father, please help us to get over our petty differences and our insecurities so that together we can celebrate this wonderful world with which You have gifted us and surely songs of praise and gratitude will spring from all of our hearts

10/27/2010

Jesus said, “Be ye perfect as my Father in Heaven is perfect.  We know what we must do to be perfect but we don't want to be perfect.  We're born with the knowledge of and desire for perfection but it is “culturated” out of us.  It is beaten out of us by the media – television, radio, computers, billboards, newspapers and magazines – a total indoctrination into the religion of material satisfaction.   From our earliest years on this earth we are force fed a pablum of propaganda that tells us what we really want is beauty, sex, luxury, constant satisfaction of our every desire, certainly not to be like God.  By the time we realize that none of these things can give us happiness, the lie is so ingrained in us that we feel powerless to combat it.  And by the time that realization comes to us, we have probably already contributed to the indoctrination of our children. 

Nevertheless, the inner knowledge of what we should be and how we should live, the knowledge of our true selves, never leaves us.  The conflict between what we know we should be and what we have become is so intense that it causes physical and mental illness; drug, alcohol and food addictions; a constant and fruitless struggle to come to a state of peace.   

How do we break this cycle?  

 10/30/2010

This morning another sunrise meditation.  This was the most amazing experience yet.  Just as I sat down and settled into a meditation posture, the sun started to peek over the tops of the houses.  I watched it rise until it was fully in view, breathing deeply and alternating between having my eyes open and closed.  When the entire orb was visible I gazed directly at the sun and gradually it changed.  It started to pulsate like a living thing and the color changed from golden yellow to white but with a rim of red around it.  Then came an aura of alternating colors.  The aura would start out in a color I would describe as fuschia, a vivid pink/purple color.  Then it would change to a trio of auras of yellow, blue and green, with the green being the strongest. 

I kept watching, allowing myself to blink as necessary but neither the pulsating sun nor the colors went away.  At times everything else disappeared, the window, the housetops, the trees, and there was just the sun, sending out thousands of living rays of color, like the most incredible star imaginable.   This alternated with the auras of changing colors.  I was a little bit scared that I might be damaging my eyes as we've always been told not to look directly at the sun, but I couldn't stop looking. 

This was the most amazing and beautiful sight I've ever seen.  Even though I've tried to describe what I experienced visually, what I was experiencing emotionally and spiritually cannot be described. 

This morning before I got out of bed I was praying for a means to get closer to God, for a means to put everything aside and just be with Him.  And He gave it to me.  I do not deserve such a blessing but I am deeply grateful for it.  Now if only I can spend the rest of my day expressing that gratitude

11/03/2010

I know there is only one way to peace of mind and that is complete and absolute surrender to God.  There is no question about this in my mind.  What does it mean to my life?  Can I even do it?  I have been moving in that direction but I feel like there is a big hurdle that has to be gotten over now.  I have to completely stop looking for recognition or affirmation. 

11/04/2010

Well, I failed miserably yesterday at not looking for recognition and affirmation.  But today is a new day.  I had a good conversation with God this morning.  I said, “I just want peace, Lord.  Can't I have peace?”

He said, “It's right there for you to have.”

I said, “I have to stop looking for affirmation and just love You through
your children.”

He said, “You won't get gratitude from me either, just my love.”

I said, “That's all I should need.” 

12/14/2010

Maybe one of the most important things I've learned is that it's never going to be easy, not in this lifetime.  I've been under the impression that at some point it would just be easy to follow the Law, to surrender to God's will and not feel any contrary desires or emotions.  I now believe that that is not going to be the case, that it's always going to be a struggle, for as long as I am on this plane.  And I'm actually okay with that.  I will keep trying, but without the expectation that my efforts will suddenly bring sainthood tumbling down on me.  And more and more I realize the value of Silence.  

12/25/2010

Heavenly Father,

On this day that we set aside for the celebration of your son, Jesus' birthday, please help us to remember that we have nothing to fear except the loss of our awareness of Your Presence, the loss of awareness of Your Love. 

We can't lose Your Love.  We are an emanation from You and that which is of You is divine, is as perfect as You are.  But we can lose our awareness of Your Love and maybe that's the basis for all fear.  So please, Heavenly Father, let us use this day to remember that You sent your son out of your profound love for us and to show us the way back to You.  Let us remember this greatest of all gifts, the life of your Son, that you gave to us and that He gave for us. 

1/15/2011

If I Were an Angel

If ever I become an angel and God gives me my choice of jobs I will ask to be allowed to protect little children from those who would harm them. I would ask that He allow me to stand between the child and the one who is about to harm him and hold back the raised hand, or else receive the blows myself. I would say to the harmer, “Strike me instead, because this little child does not understand your anger, your pain. He doesn't know what has driven you to this point, but God does, and he has sent me to stop you. I would let the harmer know that I am sorry for all he has gone through and beg him please not to take it out on this child. And if the harmer needed to cry I would give him my shoulder to cry on.

I don't know whether angels can feel pain but if so, I would gladly take the pain in place of the child because for me it would only be temporary but for the child who cannot understand, that pain may last her whole lifetime and go on and on and on.

Oh Heavenly Father, nothing tears at my heart more than to hear of a child who has been abused. I know I haven't been good enough to be granted my choice of jobs in Heaven but I'm going to try my very best to to earn that right so I can be a protector of these innocent souls if ever I become an angel.

7/22/2011

In many ways, Rich's illness has been a gift.  That may sound strange, but it is so true.  It has allowed his best qualities to come shining through, his stoicism, his acceptance of life, his positive attitude, his complete lack of self-pity.  His illness has inspired me to look at this man to whom I've been married for forty-three years from a different perspective.  When I think about the possibility of losing him, I realize how much he means to me, how dependent I am on him for so many things, not just the materials of my life but emotional support, true and unselfish interest in the things that consume my life and a shared concern for the most important people in my life, our children and grandchildren. 

On my return trip from Venezuela,* I thought about how much his being here means to me when I am on these journeys.  When the plane had to turn back from it's flight to Miami and return to Philly, when it took five hours for the airlines to get us another plane and I missed my flight to Venezuela, when we couldn't land in Barcelona due to bad weather, it was Rich that I wanted to share my experiences with and Rich whom I wanted to consult with about how to proceed. Although what he really wanted was for me to turn around and come home, he accepted my decision to go forward with the trip  and willingly advised me as to  how to make that happen. 

We've come a long way in the past seven years.  We've experienced a crisis in our marriage, brought on by my decision to proceed with the trips to Guatemala despite his disapproval.  And we've both been through life-threatening health crises.  We've gone through all of it together and, I believe, come out stronger both as individuals and as partners. 

I am humbled by his ability to make the transition from adamantly protesting my international trips to supporting, and even being proud of, the work I'm doing.  Rich has been my example of unconditional love.  The image of him faithfully waiting for me at the train station in the middle of the night on my return from the first trip to Guatemala, despite his anger with me for going, is forever etched in my mind and my heart. 

Rich laughs a lot.  Sometimes his laughter seems inappropriate and I've even been embarrassed by it at times.  But yesterday we had a young man here to repair our FIOS service.  He had to return when we discovered that although the phone and internet services were back, the TV wasn't working.  We were his last call for the day and I'm sure he wasn't happy about having to come back.  But as the two of them tried to locate the problem, Rich maintained his jolly demeanor and before he left the young man was laughing along with him. 

Rich isn't always jolly.  When things get a little chaotic, like when the whole family is together and the grandkids get a little out of control, he gets tense and tries to re-establish control by yelling at the kids.  I see now that chaos and lack of control are situations that he doesn't deal with well but I understand that a lot better than I used to; I understand that his unpleasant behavior is based on this very strong need to feel in control of the situation.  This is a need that is inherent in all of us and each of us handles it in our own way.  My way may be just as foreign to him as his way is to me, and this is where overlooking comes into play. 

Every morning when Rich comes downstairs and cheerfully says, “Good morning, Hon,”  I'm grateful that despite all the challenges that we've faced, we've stayed together.  We've maintained our partnership and kept our family intact.  And I'm grateful for this time we have to love and appreciate one another before we have to part.  Thank you, God.

*I took a one-week trip to Venezuela to teach organic vegetable gardening at several orphanages and schools for underprivileged children.

10/17/2011

From the Spiritual Exercises:*

I promise to fill your heart with my love and with gifts of peace and courage and passion for sharing my love in service to others.

Okay Lord, please, do it! 

Please let me hear the depth of your desire to accompany me along the path to wholeness, to holiness. Please begin your healing in me. Please let your healing free me so that I can serve you as you deserve, with more and more of my heart.

*In the fall of 2011 I started a 34 week online course in the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius, called An Online Retreat in Everyday Life. On a trip to the ashram (Rich had actually encouraged me to resume my monthly visits after we stopped doing Gerson Therapy), Victor had me watch a video about a certain faith healer. I was not at all impressed by the subject of the video, but it started with a brief bio of St. Ignatius of Loyola, which told of how he had given up everything, including his royal inheritance, and put his life entirely in God's hands. This hit me like a thunderbolt. I knew that this was exactly what I would have to do if I was going to get through the challenges that lie ahead. At home I started reading about the life of St. Ignatius and discovered his Spiritual Exercises.

12/09/2011

Heavenly Father,

My husband of 43 years has stage IV cancer. We've been dealing with it for almost two years and what I've learned from this challenge in our lives is that we are not in control; You are. So the only choice we have is to surrender to your will, with love and with the faith that You know what is best for us. I started the retreat after reading about the life of St. Ignatius and his amazing capacity for surrender. I know that in the months ahead being able to surrender is going to be the difference between my spiritual life or death. The examples of Mary, Joseph and Jesus are helping me to understand exactly what this means and the depth of faith that we need in order to say, "Your will, not mine, be done."

Thank you for this retreat.

1/09/2012

If the time is close for Rich to leave this plane, then I hope and pray that God will help me to help him in whatever ways I can, to become closer to Him and to his Beloved Son. Please, God, show me the way.  I am so grateful that God has given us this time to be together and to express our love for one another. 

1/24/2012

 

Last night I read these words of C.S. Lewis:

“We must...recognize the real giver.  It is madness not to because if we do not, we shall be relying on human beings. And that is going to let us down.  The best of them will make mistakes; all of them will die.  We must be thankful to all of the people who have helped us.  We must honor them and love them.  But never never pin your whole faith on any human being; not if he is the best and wisest in the world. There are lots of nice things you can do with sand but do not try building a house on it.”

1/26/2012

Week 21 of the Spiritual Exercises has been about Jesus calling his disciples to join Him in his mission.  I have been praying that Heavenly Father will show me how He wants me to join Jesus in the mission of bringing His Kingdom to earth.  I believe He has reinforced the understanding that my role is to spread gardens wherever I have the opportunity to do so.  Opportunities have come my way this week, both locally and in the Dominican Republic.  I have to embrace these opportunities with enthusiasm and with love, despite whatever else is going on in my life.  I have to keep asking Jesus to guide me.  The Exercises say that “He does not call to us from way up ahead, or above, but actually from beside and behind. In a strange mysterious way, we watch him in front of us, but he calls to us from behind. He so reverences our freedom that he allows us to take this road or that, and he watches and follows. So here is this Jesus who we watch so as to follow, and then he follows our choices and watches how to more lovingly offer us gestures that prove his fidelity to us.”

So I'm going to stop trying to figure everything out and just let Jesus lead me from beside and behind.  I think that's all I can do because if I haven't been successful at figuring things out by this time, I don't think I ever will be.

2/03/2012 

During my trip to the DR I continued with the Spiritual Exercises and was compelled to look at my worst sins.  It has not been comfortable or pleasant, but I am very grateful for this experience.  In the Exercises this morning it says, “The will of God is that each of us be healed from not believing in God’s love for us and for this world. Our blindness, our paralysis, our being deaf, our being dead, are all embraced by Christ, and He takes away our good excuses that once confined and defined us. He is sent to touch us and then send us to embrace this bent world.”

I believe that God loves us and loves this world.  I see His love in the beauty of the earth and in the faces of the young people.  I think He showed me my sins to help me overcome my ego, something that I've been praying for, for a long time.  This is a healing process and healing is never fun but it is necessary if we are to live life to the full. 

2/15/2012

Today Rich will get surgery to have a “port” installed in his shoulder to receive the chemotherapy that will hopefully shrink the tumors in his body.  I have been thinking this morning about how this will affect my life, a very self-centered thought.  Ever since he was diagnosed two-plus years ago, I've been praying that, if possible, he will be cured of this cancer but if not possible, or not God's will, that he at least will not have to suffer greatly.  So far, God has answered my prayer and he has not suffered very much.  But this chemotherapy could change everything.  We don't know how he will react to it, but there is no doubt that there will be some side effects.  And this could go on for a long time.  So my thoughts were somewhat selfish this morning.  How will this affect my life?  Will I not be able to travel in order to spread the gardens?  What if all I can do, in addition to taking care of Rich, is to make my own gardens, perhaps act as a resource to local gardeners and do my writing?  Then, while reading some of the “sharings” in the Spiritual Exercises I realized that that would be okay.  Even if Rich's cancer treatments go on and on and my activities are severely limited, it will be okay; because taking care of Rich, or even just being here for him, is a perfect opportunity to express my love.  Everything that happens to me is an opportunity to express my love and gratitude, EVERYTHING.

Note: Throughout Rich's chemotherapy treatments he took the supplement Paw Paw, in capsule form. Research into alternative cancer therapy recommended it for ameliorating chemo side effects and it really seemed to work. When we would go for an appointment with the oncologist, he would ask Rich whether he was having this or that side effect and Rich would always say, no. We were always upfront with him about what alternative things we were doing and after a while he started taking notes.

3/4/2012

We're going through the Stations of the Cross in the Spiritual Exercises. Today the Station of the Cross, the second station, is about Jesus carrying his cross to Calvary where He would be crucified.  In the Exercises we are told to try to imagine the crushing heaviness of the cross.  I think about the times when the trials in my life have seemed to be crushingly heavy.  There have been the issues that revolve around Sue, there was the conflict in my marriage over my trips to Guatemala, there were the times when I felt totally let down by someone in whom, I had put my faith and trust.  But these crosses seemed to be so heavy because I made them that way.  The cross that Jesus had to carry to Calvary was very real and probably unimaginably heavy.

Yesterday afternoon, riding through some of the poorer parts of Pittsburgh I started to think about how fortunate I am, never having had to live in a cold, or dirty or desolate environment.  Granted, my childhood home was far from always being pleasant, but we we always had heat, food, adequate clothing, and we had Mom.  I felt sad that any child or adult has to live without the basic physical and emotional necessities of life. 

4/2/2012

 

This week's Spiritual Exercise is about looking back at the gifts we have received through this experience.  The greatest gift has been the opportunity to feel closer to Jesus than ever before.  Equally important is the realization that God has always been with me and the knowledge that he always will be if I just keep myself open to His presence.  The recognition of my own sins, faults, my weaknesses, although painful has also been a gift, as has the revelation of my OCD and the fact that the things about myself that threaten to drive me crazy  at times are a result of this disorder.  The belief that it is possible to spend all of one's waking hours serving God, the genuine desire to do so and the realization that this is a gift that I can keep opening hour after hour, day after day, delighting in what I find inside is one that I hope I will never grow tired of. 

Take, Lord, and receive
all my liberty, my memory,
my understanding, my entire will—
all that I am and possess.
You have given all this to me.
I now return it all to you.
It is yours now.
Use these gifts according to your will.
Give me only your love and your grace.
That is enough for me, and all that I desire. St. Ignatius of Loyola

5/30/2012

Last night I had a dream about being attacked.  This man made it very clear that he was going to attack me and I was trying to get away.  I was trying to get behind a door so I could lock him out.  But I couldn't move, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't move. 

I don't dream these dreams very often but when I do I wake up feeling terrified.  Sometimes I call out during the dream and that's what wakes me up; that's what happened last night.  To my knowledge, Rich never hears me when this happens, but I am always comforted by his presence when I wake up.  I'm always so glad that he's there. 

Last night I thought about what it would be like to have one of these dreams and not have him there beside me when I wake up.  It's like when I imagine what it would be like to go on a trip to another country and not have anyone to call when I get there and no one waiting for me to come back home - only worse. 

How empty this life will be if I have to do it without him unless I can truly learn to be with Jesus at all times.

6/7/2012

I'm not sure what God wants me to do regarding attendance at yoga camp this year.  I know that my most important earthly responsibility right now is taking care of Rich.  He is by no means in a critical state but has not been feeling well.  He contracted a severe cold which he can't seem to get rid of, although he said he was feeling better this morning than he has for a couple of weeks. 

 

I feel confident that in addition to taking care of my family, my purpose in life is to assist Jesus, in my miniscule way, at bringing the Kingdom of God to earth by making gardens and teaching people about gardening and nutrition.  In so doing I hope to also spread the love of Christ and his teachings. 

 

With those understandings in mind, it is my intention to ask for His guidance in all things, especially making decisions such as this.  In other words, where is it the most important for me to be at this time?  If I am going to be away from home (away from Rich) will the travel truly serve to advance the purpose of helping to bring God's Kingdom to Earth?  Or am I just going because it's what I want to do? So that is the question I am asking right now about Summer Camp.  I am waiting for a sign that will answer my question. 

 

I'm also having some serious concerns about going to Haiti in August.  I thought it would only be for a week but it seems that it's a ten-day commitment and if I go to Washington to leave with the others and return to Washington, that adds at least two more days to the trip.  I really don't want to be away from Rich for that long.  I'm thinking that it might make much more sense for me to do a seed-saving and composting workshop in Maryland which someone who will be going to Haiti could attend and then take the information there.
Note: I didn't go to yoga camp or Haiti that summer.

6/29/2012

Yes, everything is changing.  My relationship with my husband of 44 years is changing, my role in our partnership is becoming more independent and responsible for things that were always his responsibility, like taking care of the outside of the house.  He is more willing to listen to my thoughts on what we should do, what he should do.  These things are okay but the reason for the change is that he has a fatal illness. 

NDW says I should get out of my head and examine my feelings.*  Okay, I'm scared, scared of the part of this scenario where he will be very sick and having to watch him suffer, scared of being without him.  Even now, although his suffering is not very bad, he is obviously not feeling well and my heart aches to watch him going off to work every morning, even though it's what he wants to do.  I want him to be robust and healthy again and I know the chances of that happening are practically nil.  I'm scared and I'm sad. 
*NDW is Neale Donald Walsch

7/11/2012

Two very similar messages this morning:

Eternity is now.

The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.

What do those messages mean when your husband is slowly dying of cancer and your mentally ill sister is presenting you with her ongoing, seemingly unresolvable, problems every day?

NDW says not to live in the past or the future, but in the moment. Living in the moment has become a popular concept in recent years but how does one really do that?  I understand to a degree and I've gotten a little better at it.  I can sometimes tell myself, 'this is what I'm doing now and this is a good thing to be doing, so don't worry about the other things that are not getting done.'  And I can look at ways of maintaining my interests and activities during this interim period in my life in which Rich is still functioning but slowly delegating some of his traditional responsibilities to me and the boys, in which he is sick and I don't want to be away from him for long periods of time, but he isn't critically ill so it's not as though I have to devote all my time to taking care of him like I did during the Gerson Therapy days.  That level of devotion may come again but for now I have the freedom and opportunity to live a full and “normal” life. 

The thing is that I can't help thinking about the future and planning.  I'm a planner, always have been.  So I think about what life will be like without Rich, how I will adjust to the huge gap in my life, and then I feel guilty for even thinking about it.  I also wish we could skip over the part where he becomes desperately ill, where he suffers physically and loses the ability to do the things that define him as a human being.  That doesn't mean that I want him to die soon; it's just that I would rather experience the pain of losing him than that of watching him suffer.  Maybe it won't be as difficult for him as I fear and if that is the case, then it won't break my heart either.  What I pray for every day is that he won't have to suffer too much with this cancer.  

At any rate, right now, today, he is tired and decided to stay home from work this morning and rest.  He had a restless night but he is not suffering greatly. So I have much to be grateful for at this moment.

8/14/2012

Well, I failed again.  I got annoyed with Rich because he couldn't eat his dinner.  When he called to say he was on his way home I asked him what he wanted for dinner and he said codfish.  So I made the fish with some potatoes and green beans from the garden.  I made myself a little stir-fry with vegetables from the garden.  So he took a few bites and ate a couple of slices of the beautiful garden tomato I had put out and that was it. 

If his appetite was always bad I wouldn't feel offended but that's not the case.  It seems to only be bad when the food I prepare is placed in front of him.  So then I start thinking, maybe he's subconsciously trying to punish me for his being sick.  I know that's a useless thought and I should not be offended.  It's probably more a matter of not being hungry when I prepare a meal whereas if he prepares or goes out and buys something himself, it's because he is hungry at that time.  Anyway, if I was acting like a “fully-realized being”* I would not let anything offend me.  Even if he were consciously or unconsciously trying to punish me for his being sick, I would not let that offend me. 

*Fully realized being is a term I learned from Victor. It means someone who has come to a place of alignment of their personality with their soul.

12/24/2012

Christmas Eve.  Peace on Earth. Good will to men. It is difficult to be at peace when my husband is dying and I know that I will be without him in the not too distant future.  I am thinking about Jesus' directive to simply "Love one another."  How can I do unto Rich as I would have him do to me, if I was the one with a fatal disease?  This is what I am asking myself. 

Well, if it were me, I would want to know that certain things that are really important to me would be adopted by him.  For instance, I would tell him how much Rob needs to know that he is loved and appreciated and I would ask him to keep that need in mind.  I would also ask him to help Richard and Carina to make a safe and happy future for Zach in whatever ways he can.  In general, I would ask him to nurture and preserve peace and love between our family members. 

So I need to ask him, what does he want me to preserve about our life together. 

Today's "student reflection" talked about Jesus being born in one's heart and being "shown" through that person.  But what I feel is more a matter of wanting to be absorbed by Jesus, taken into His heart, where I will never feel alone or abandoned again. 

2/4/2013

Rich died three years and four days after he was diagnosed with colon cancer.  That was a year and two months more than the doctors' best case scenario.  During those three years we came to love each other more than ever before in our forty-four year marriage; we had many good times, loving times.  We shared a common goal - to rid him of the cancer that was destroying his body.  We were not successful but we both knew that we had given it our best shot and that was a statement, on both of our parts, of the value we placed on life in general and Rich's life in particular.

 

It has now been sixteen days since Rich died.  This was my first day by myself, following my first night by myself. Between my sons, my sister Margaret, and mostly my sister, Mary, I had not spent any time by myself for the first two weeks and the past two days and nights had been at the Shanti Yoga Ashram with my spiritual community. 

 

Today was weird.  I was determined to start making some changes that I feel will help me make this transition from one half of a long-established unit to a single person.  So I started emptying out the closet in the room that had, for the past ten years or so, largely served as Rich's home office.  The tiny closet was stuffed full of papers, computer accesories, cameras, photos and camera accessories, disks and CDs covering a wide variety of subjects, a box full of first aid items.  The papers were the hardest to sort through, some of them dated back ten years and longer.  there were reciepts and operation manuals for things we had purchased for the house, some of which we had long-since replaced.  There were itineraries and directions to vacations sites.  The hardest item of all was a folder with his plans to bike from Pittsburgh to Washington, DC when he turned 70. 

Note: Richard and his wife and two sons, who are avid cyclists, took the bike route from Pittsburgh to Washington, DC the year after Rich would have turned 70. Richard asked me to give him something personal of Rich's to take with him. I gave him the warn leather wallet that Rich had carried for many years.

Epilogue

Rich was able to work until three days before he died.

On New Year's Eve he was very uncomfortable and his stomach was distended. We went to the ER and they tapped the fluid from his abdomen, kept him overnight and sent him home the next day.

He spent a full day at work on Wednesday, January 16^th. The next day he had an appointment with the oncologist. He was not himself that morning. I had to help him put his socks on and he was irritable. By the time he got to the doctor's office he was kind of disoriented. The doc had me take him right to the hospital. On Friday they once again tapped fluid from his abdomen. That afternoon he was on the phone with the guys who worked under him at the enginering firm, telling them what he wanted them to do before he got back there on Monday.

Shortly after midnight that night I had a call from the hospital saying that I should get over there right away. I called our oldest son and asked him to call his two brothers. Within the hour we were all there, including Rob's wife, Melinda. We spent about three hours with him, holding his hands and talking to him, telling him that we loved him. He struggled to make eye contact with us but was gasping for breath and couldn't talk to us. Richard asked the nurse for swabs to keep his mouth moist. At a little after 3:00 am he had a grand mal seizure and within minutes after that he was gone.

When I called Rich's boss late Saturday afternoon to tell him that Rich had passed away he was incredulous. “What? I don't understand. He seemed fine a few days ago.” When I tell peopole that my husband had stage IV cancer for three years and worked up until three days before he died they are unbelieving. They don't know how that can be. Yes, he was stoic, but at the end the cancer was not only in his liver but also in his lungs, his adrenal glands and apparently, at the very end, in his brain, as well. The fluid build-up in his abdomen was very uncomfortable and in the last few weeks he had back pain, but somehow he kept going. Cancer was not able to rob him of his dignity. All I know is that I prayed every day for three years that if the cancer had to take him he would not have to suffer greatly. And God answered my prayer.

I don't know how any cancer victim or their partner can go through an ordeal like terminal cancer and stay whole unless they have divine assistance. Finding the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius was my salvation. Whatever a person's religious or spiritual affiliation may be, I would urge them to turn to it, strengthen it and make it a critical part of their personal treatment plan.